Of course a 260lbs bodybuilder with an accent and an obvious cigar smoking habit.

You know who I’m talking about. Arnold once again stars in one of the best movies of the 80’s. Raw Deal is pure testosterone, ass-kicking, shooting, mixed with heavy guitar riffs and catchy one-liners. All that you ever wanted from a movie.

The main character is called Kaminsky and he is Polish. Arnold captures the Polish look and accent perfectly. Even I could not do it better.

The movie starts with something that can be called plot building. It lasts for about 15 minutes, which is rather long, but fortunately the idea of a story is dropped entirely after that. Arnold’s wife plays for about 3 minutes just to show that Kaminsky is a family guy. This could be dropped and replaced by a simple narrative or text before the movie but if they didn’t include this scene we would be deprived of possibly the best one-liner in all movie history.

Arnold comes back home after a long day of ass kicking and criminal killing. He expects to see dinner but instead he stumbles on his wife completely drunk with a cake. You must see this for yourself:

Kaminsky then has enough of being a redneck in a small town and takes a job as an undercover cop in the Chicago mafia (is it a Polish mafia? Boss’s names: Patrovita, Lamanski… I haven’t figured that out). After destroying his identity (by blowing up his car next to an oil factory, creating a gigantic explosion and killing innocent bystanders) he becomes some kind of James Bond character. Only better because he fights and demolishes more. Of course he is also a Master Charm. This is what he does:

When he firsts meets Monique at a casino table this is their first conversation:

Monique: Losing improves your character.
Arnold: Winning improves your wardrobe.
(implying that her dress looks like shit)

The second time they meet is when Arnold is waiting outside a hotel.

Monique: Losing at tennis wouldn’t help me feel any better.
Arnold: Excercise might.
(implying that she’s fat)

Of course that attitude works and she falls in love with him.
That or the muscles… not sure.

Probably the most classic scene from this movie is the final battle. Arnold puts on a leather jacket. Takes out his 30 or so weapons (stacked in a closet). Puts Rolling Stones “Satisfaction” in the cassette player (this was before ipod’s) and rolls out to kill. No talking, no plot, no nothing. Just 15 minutes of uninterrupted shooting at bad guys. This is how computer games should look like.

Did anyone notice that the bar in the final scene was modelled in one of the Duke Nukem 3D maps?

Some more random facts hand picked by me:

• This is the third movie I remember with Arnold being in a gay bar (Terminator 3, Eraser) (Red Heat doesn’t count, it was a male sauna)
• Best 80’s feature: the soundtrack
• Most unintentionally funny moment:
  Chief Harry Shannon: You remember my son Blair?
  Arnold: Yeah. We went to a few ball games together. He joined the bureau, didn’t he?
  Chief Harry Shannon: Yeah.
  Arnold: How is he?
  Chief Harry Shannon: Dead.
• Best tagline – look at picture on top
• Most inspirational moment – ending scene
  Arnold: Walk.
  Harry: I can’t walk!
  Arnold: You don’t have to walk, but you have to try like hell.
  Harry: I can’t!
  Arnold: Did you ever quit in front of Bleeah (Blair)?
• Best one-liner: You should not drink and bake!

 First of all the story…

…

…a story you ask? 

Remember the first Predator movie? The story went like this:

Arnold and his buddies land in a jungle to kick some ass. It happens that the Predator wants to do the same so they kick each others ass. End of story. What do you need more?

It seems you need some kind of “explanation” on why the aliens meet with the predator on earth. So they invented this incredible plot involving an ancient civilization, Antarctica, Aztecs and secret underground duels. Who cares I just want to see Predator fighting with aliens!!! Is that too much to ask?

There is one actual fighting scene between the Predator and an alien in this movie. One. When the whole movie should just be kicking ass.

And WTF is the Predator doing on Antarctica, isn’t he a heat lover? It seems the writers for this movie completely pissed all over the original Predator script.

And even better – WTF is a penguin doing in the middle of Antarctica? And I mean a Humboldt penguin which actually lives in coastal areas of Peru and Chile? I hear the producer saying “A penguin is a penguin! Who cares, these dumb fucks can’t tell the difference they just paid 10$ to see Predator running around in a pyramid”. Turkish trash cinema has better quality of props. Also I got to mention that the penguin’s alone, I thought these were herd animals!

Well they don’t care, but I do and so does this little fella:
 

The main character in AvP is a chick. You know this movie is gonna be crap once you notice this. Name me one movie with a woman in lead role that is good?* I know one but it’s animated. Anyway she’s good looking, she’s athletic, she’s smart and even the Predator seems to like her. Well so much for realism… but OK this is a science-fiction movie so lets move on.

Shittiest piece of dialog ever:
The main male character is the biggest douche I have ever seen. He’s some kind of foreign guy, you can’t really understand him. I think you have to see this scene for yourself to get how awful it is, reading it makes you think it’s not that bad, but it IS.

“Sebastian de Rosa: When I was a kid growing up in Italy, you know what they call a moon that big?
Sebastian de Rosa: La luna del cacciatore.
Alexa ‘Lex’ Woods: [repeats] La luna del cacciatore.
Sebastian de Rosa: Brava!
Alexa ‘Lex’ Woods: What’s that?
Sebastian de Rosa: Hunter’s moon.
Alexa ‘Lex’ Woods: Hunter’s moon.
[pause. They start laughing]”

 Dumbest moment:

Look with what he’s trying to kill Predator with.
It’s a pick axe…

OK I’m done bashing this movie. I really don’t want to be negative.
So I wouldn’t be myself if I wouldn’t propose you an alternative. This is Alien versus Predator as it should be done:

The parts I enjoyed about this movie are actually just parts where you can see the Predator. He’s such an awesome character that just looking at him brings me pleasure. So my movie wouldn’t be complicated. The first half would just be Predator sitting in his apartment and chilling out. He would sit in an armchair and read a paper or something while eating an apple. Then he would go to the toilet, maybe do some cleaning, wash the dishes. After that he would get a phone call from his buddies to go hang out. So he would get into his space capsule and head to earth where for the rest of the movie he would kick fucken ass. The end.

*Alien doesn’t count cause the alien was in the lead role.

It had been 12 years since the previous movie Terminator 2: Judgement day and 19 years since the first of this epic trilogy. Many have speculated that Arnie would be too old for the role of the terminator (since terminators don’t get old how do you explain it looking old?). Of course this was just ramblings of the haters. As always Arnold looks like a god in this movie. But even after the haters saw it, there were speculations that it was CGI and photoshop effects. I have to say that it is completely not true. As proof I have a recent photo of California’s governor, made right after his skiing accident. He may be a little puffy here and there but that’s because he was hospitalized for a couple days. Arnold’s photo after injury recovery.

If anybody says that’s a photo from Conan then you don’t know that Arnold wears that outfit all the time, why? Because he can.

The fact is that not a single scene with the T had CGI effects. Schwarzenegger had to insist that all scenes were done by him personally. Even the car chase where he hangs off a crane and the evil woman terminator smashes buildings using him. The scene where he reattaches his head also, no effects whatsoever.

Let’s get on to the best moments and trivia:

– Second movie featuring Arnold driving down a hill full speed after Commando (cemetery car chase).

– Most gentleman moment:
Whenever Arnold wants to drive a car he grabs the driver and says “get off” or “get out”. When throwing the woman terminator out of the vehicle he says “excuse me”.

– Most romantic moment:
“John Connor: Are you sure about this? About her and me, I mean.
Arnold: Your confusion is not rational. She’s a healthy female of breeding age.
John Connor: There’s more to it than that.
Arnold: My database does not encompass the dynamics of human pair bonding.”

– Most masculine moment:
After locking Catherine Brewster in the back of a truck she tells Arnold where John Connor is so that he lets her go.
“Catherine Brewster: You said that you’d let me go!
Arnold: I lied.”

– Best quote:
“John Connor: You’ve got to be shitting me.
Arnold: No, I am not shitting you.”

The episode is about a bodybuilder with deep psychological problems, which goes ape crazy and kills a girl which invited him on some sort of creepy date at her house. Arnold Schwarzenegger of course plays the role of the girl.

Gotcha… of course he plays the muscle man and he does it spectacularly. This is one of Arnold’s first TV appearances ever and it is extremely well done. “Dead lift” was probably the reason why steroids got a negative opinion. Arnold’s acting is so convincing people actually think bodybuilders get mad like this on a daily basis. There are rumours that the actress which plays the victim had bones broken in 73 places after this scene. Arnold asked to comment the incident said she was lucky she didn’t shit her pants also and then went on to smoke a cigar. True story.

Enough talking, watch for yourself:

She deserved it, didn’t she?

If you’ve ever wanted to see Jesse Ventura again with Arnold in the same movie after watching The Predator, search no more. The Running Man is a film set in 2017, in a doomed world, where a brutal reality show takes place used by the Justice Department’s – Entertainment Division (that’s the actual name) to control the nation. It is a typical 80’s movie, with action, blood, 1-liners and muscles starring our favorite austrian actor.

Here are the most interesting Running Man facts, trivia and top moments, all hand-picked selected and commented by me (you won’t find this anywhere else on the net!):

• Only movie to have Arnold with a lumber-jack beard
  Actually he’s undercover in one of the scenes as a working man. He is carrying a cigar in his mouth and is wearing a “World Gym” T-shirt. No, we’d never guess it was you Arnie…
• Second movie featuring Arnold carrying a heavy builder on his shoulder. Pic from first movie Commando
• Most homo-erotic moment:
  
  As you know all 80’s action movies had this special element in it, whether you like it or not. Did I mention half of the cast wears tight bodysuits most of the movie?
  Luckily there’s Maria Conchita Alonso to even out the experience.
  
• Best one-liner:
  “Hey, Lighthead! Hey, Christmas Tree!”
  
• Best Arnold humor moment:
  “Amber: I warn you I get sick. Car sick, air sick. And I’m going to throw up all over *you*.
  Arnold [undercover; wearing a hawaii outfit]: Go for it. Won’t show on this shirt…”
  
• Best masculinity moment:
  In the first two scenes with Amber Arnie threatens to strangle her or/and brake her neck. That’s the only thing he talks about with her.
  “Amber: They think I’m your girlfriend.
  Arnold: I can straighten that out. See that camera up there? I’ll strangle you in front of the whole audience.”
  In the third scene he tells her where her place is with the following conversation:
  “Amber: Me and my big mouth. We should have taken the trip to Hawaii.
  Arnold: I had the shirt for it, but you fucked it up.”
  
• Best 80’s feature:
  Jesse Ventura teaching aerobics
• Best blood and gore scene:
  Arnold kills Sub-Zero!
  
  “What a pain in the neck.”