You all probably know I’m a major Predator fan/lover. So do you think I anticipated the Alien versus Predator movie? Hell no! I knew it would be crap all along. I recently watched it and decided to write about how you should not make movies. If I’m really lucky maybe a Hollywood producer will read this, if not maybe you’re a future film maker so read on. This post is in the Arnold classics category because I want to show you how much Arnold movies are great in contrast. You may forget how actually awesome they are until you watch some shit movie like AvP.
First of all the story…
…a story you ask?
Remember the first Predator movie? The story went like this:
Arnold and his buddies land in a jungle to kick some ass. It happens that the Predator wants to do the same so they kick each others ass. End of story. What do you need more?
It seems you need some kind of “explanation” on why the aliens meet with the predator on earth. So they invented this incredible plot involving an ancient civilization, Antarctica, Aztecs and secret underground duels. Who cares I just want to see Predator fighting with aliens!!! Is that too much to ask?
There is one actual fighting scene between the Predator and an alien in this movie. One. When the whole movie should just be kicking ass.
And WTF is the Predator doing on Antarctica, isn’t he a heat lover? It seems the writers for this movie completely pissed all over the original Predator script.
And even better – WTF is a penguin doing in the middle of Antarctica? And I mean a Humboldt penguin which actually lives in coastal areas of Peru and Chile? I hear the producer saying “A penguin is a penguin! Who cares, these dumb fucks can’t tell the difference they just paid 10$ to see Predator running around in a pyramid”. Turkish trash cinema has better quality of props. Also I got to mention that the penguin’s alone, I thought these were herd animals!
Well they don’t care, but I do and so does this little fella:
The main character in AvP is a chick. You know this movie is gonna be crap once you notice this. Name me one movie with a woman in lead role that is good?* I know one but it’s animated. Anyway she’s good looking, she’s athletic, she’s smart and even the Predator seems to like her. Well so much for realism… but OK this is a science-fiction movie so lets move on.
Shittiest piece of dialog ever:
The main male character is the biggest douche I have ever seen. He’s some kind of foreign guy, you can’t really understand him. I think you have to see this scene for yourself to get how awful it is, reading it makes you think it’s not that bad, but it IS.
“Sebastian de Rosa: When I was a kid growing up in Italy, you know what they call a moon that big?
Sebastian de Rosa: La luna del cacciatore.
Alexa ‘Lex’ Woods: [repeats] La luna del cacciatore.
Sebastian de Rosa: Brava!
Alexa ‘Lex’ Woods: What’s that?
Sebastian de Rosa: Hunter’s moon.
Alexa ‘Lex’ Woods: Hunter’s moon.
[pause. They start laughing]”
OK I’m done bashing this movie. I really don’t want to be negative.
So I wouldn’t be myself if I wouldn’t propose you an alternative. This is Alien versus Predator as it should be done:
The parts I enjoyed about this movie are actually just parts where you can see the Predator. He’s such an awesome character that just looking at him brings me pleasure. So my movie wouldn’t be complicated. The first half would just be Predator sitting in his apartment and chilling out. He would sit in an armchair and read a paper or something while eating an apple. Then he would go to the toilet, maybe do some cleaning, wash the dishes. After that he would get a phone call from his buddies to go hang out. So he would get into his space capsule and head to earth where for the rest of the movie he would kick fucken ass. The end.
*Alien doesn’t count cause the alien was in the lead role.