Defining Awesome — How NOT to make movies – Alien versus Predator
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  • How NOT to make movies – Alien versus Predator

    Written by . Posted at 4:04 pm on October 5th, 2007

    You all probably know I’m a major Predator fan/lover. So do you think I anticipated the Alien versus Predator movie? Hell no! I knew it would be crap all along. I recently watched it and decided to write about how you should not make movies. If I’m really lucky maybe a Hollywood producer will read this, if not maybe you’re a future film maker so read on. This post is in the Arnold classics category because I want to show you how much Arnold movies are great in contrast. You may forget how actually awesome they are until you watch some shit movie like AvP.

     First of all the story…

    …a story you ask? 

    Remember the first Predator movie? The story went like this:

    Arnold and his buddies land in a jungle to kick some ass. It happens that the Predator wants to do the same so they kick each others ass. End of story. What do you need more?

    It seems you need some kind of “explanation” on why the aliens meet with the predator on earth. So they invented this incredible plot involving an ancient civilization, Antarctica, Aztecs and secret underground duels. Who cares I just want to see Predator fighting with aliens!!! Is that too much to ask?

    There is one actual fighting scene between the Predator and an alien in this movie. One. When the whole movie should just be kicking ass.

    And WTF is the Predator doing on Antarctica, isn’t he a heat lover? It seems the writers for this movie completely pissed all over the original Predator script.

    And even better – WTF is a penguin doing in the middle of Antarctica? And I mean a Humboldt penguin which actually lives in coastal areas of Peru and Chile? I hear the producer saying “A penguin is a penguin! Who cares, these dumb fucks can’t tell the difference they just paid 10$ to see Predator running around in a pyramid”. Turkish trash cinema has better quality of props. Also I got to mention that the penguin’s alone, I thought these were herd animals!

    Well they don’t care, but I do and so does this little fella: humboldt_penguin.jpg

    The main character in AvP is a chick. You know this movie is gonna be crap once you notice this. Name me one movie with a woman in lead role that is good?* I know one but it’s animated. Anyway she’s good looking, she’s athletic, she’s smart and even the Predator seems to like her. Well so much for realism… but OK this is a science-fiction movie so lets move on.

    Shittiest piece of dialog ever:
    The main male character is the biggest douche I have ever seen. He’s some kind of foreign guy, you can’t really understand him. I think you have to see this scene for yourself to get how awful it is, reading it makes you think it’s not that bad, but it IS.

    “Sebastian de Rosa: When I was a kid growing up in Italy, you know what they call a moon that big?
    Sebastian de Rosa: La luna del cacciatore.
    Alexa ‘Lex’ Woods: [repeats] La luna del cacciatore.
    Sebastian de Rosa: Brava!
    Alexa ‘Lex’ Woods: What’s that?
    Sebastian de Rosa: Hunter’s moon.
    Alexa ‘Lex’ Woods: Hunter’s moon.
    [pause. They start laughing]”

     Dumbest moment:
    Look with what he’s trying to kill Predator with.
    It’s a pick axe…

    OK I’m done bashing this movie. I really don’t want to be negative.
    So I wouldn’t be myself if I wouldn’t propose you an alternative. This is Alien versus Predator as it should be done:

    The parts I enjoyed about this movie are actually just parts where you can see the Predator. He’s such an awesome character that just looking at him brings me pleasure. So my movie wouldn’t be complicated. The first half would just be Predator sitting in his apartment and chilling out. He would sit in an armchair and read a paper or something while eating an apple. Then he would go to the toilet, maybe do some cleaning, wash the dishes. After that he would get a phone call from his buddies to go hang out. So he would get into his space capsule and head to earth where for the rest of the movie he would kick fucken ass. The end.

    *Alien doesn’t count cause the alien was in the lead role.

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    1. Yey din’t see that movie but I like your story wen the alien hang out

    2. commenter

      i know, the movie sucked donkeyshit. there’s going to be a sequel, though. requiem, right?

      judging by the trailer, and adult rating, this could be good. atleast, better than the first one, wich isn’t a challenge. : )

    3. Actually i’m not a big fan of predator… but i watched it anyway… because people said to me: ” OMFG! It’s gonna be a movie full of aliens and Predator killing each others!!!!!!”
      And after the movie ended i said: “This is crap, they didn’t even killed each other at all” and the plot made me sick -.- a stupid history about aztecs in artic -.-

      Just one more thing to point: Aliens were meant to came from far far away space… but they need humans to breed… if they were at far far away space…. how could they exist? This is dumb….

    4. I think Aliens can um, feed and grow on/in many different species. Even predators (predalien thing).
      Yes, the movie is veeery crappy. But I have to say I enjoyed the second “Predator” (in NY) more than the first one. The scene with revolver really rocks!

    5. Hahaha, I agree with every single thing you just wrote

    6. MM, it was directed by Paul W.S. Anderson, OF COURSE it was gonna suck. 😀

    7. .Long-Range

      Ahaha, hilarious.
      And yeah, the only parts I liked in the movie were whenever predator slaughtered a human. I was seriously thinking, “What the hell…” when they made the predator “like” the woman. Obviously, predators hate all humans and giving them emotions and sympathy totally messed up their image.

    8. Alien and Aliens where excellent movies that had a female character as a main character :p

    9. treeSkwerral

      That’s true Vd BUT she wasn’t very pretty nor book smart. She was more like a dyke. I agree with MM that the woman in that movie with those atributes is fake and never could be real. Sorry but a woman that can out beat an advanced alien HUNTER is just bullshit. The next one better be good with the first line of the next movie better be (to quote Futurama) “Kill all humans”.

    10. I wouldnt say Arnold movies are all good, ever seen End of days,eraser,LAH,collateral damage? These movies all sucked ass. The golden era of action movies was in the Hollywood 80’s and early 90’s, now every movie relies on fake-ass hong kong John Wu style action and ridiculous computer animation.

    11. Vd: MM wrote that
      “*Alien doesn’t count cause the alien was in the lead role.”
      but i wouldn’t say she was feminine in all four alien movies. Actually she was more masculine and had bigger balls then meny men in movie.

    12. Rook: Haha! True!

    13. :)MoNkEy(:

      Lol… I have to agree.. this movie sucked harder than a bar-whore…

    14. I would say the most dumbest is when the Predator make friends with a human who is a black woman…

    15. Hey, Predator isn’t racist.

    16. I think the female thing is partial to the avp comics. And um theres alot of movies with good lead female actors. I mean just off the top of my dome I can think of one, Alien? lol 😛

    17. Oh I guess that was already stated oops

    18. The Soviet Onion

      The Long Kiss Goodnight

    19. look to a foreign predator…

      “It’s fried rice, you plick!”…

    20. kill_all_nerds

      you guys are a bunch of fucking nerds get a life you cock suckers!!!

    21. Полностью поддерживаю лестные отзывы о работе авторов, действительно все на высоте.

    22. Мне интересно, сколько средств вложили в раскрутку этого блога. Кто как думает?

    23. А мне нравится этот блог, только авторам надо помнить , что посетители разные бывают. Короче учитывайте возростной ценс посетителей.

    24. Вроде все в порядке, только по ссылке почему то не могу перейти

    25. Полностью все усироило меня в этом блоге, нашел все что хотел. Везде бы так делали.

    26. Поддерживаю положительные отзывы о блоги, реально все качественно сделано.

    27. Добавлю в закладки, буду пользоваться.

    28. Я тоже воспользуюсь.

    29. А почему так, можно покмнее придумать было.

    30. “I would say the most dumbest is when the Predator make friends with a human who is a black woman…”

      maybe he didn’t like white bitches?

    31. TSO – справочник по сертификации, стандартизации и метрологии. Новости сертификации. Нормативные документы. – все о сертификации

    32. всё,что нравится в интернете падоннкам.

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